This piece was lovingly crafted for Ruminations of an Old Soul, released October 27, 2016.
My struggle with anxiety is ongoing. It affects my every day no matter how strong or weak it is at that time. It lurks in the shadows like a silhouette. It jumps at every opportunity to tear me downwards. It is not welcome in my life but it is indifferent to that.
Some days I almost forget about anxiety. It goes dormant within my consciousness. The smiles, laughter and living in the moment betray what lies in wait underneath. Sure, there are brief moments of anxiousness but they can easily be brushed aside. Then, there is today.
Upon waking, fixing my morning cappuccino and walking the dog a nasty surprise waited for my attention and vulnerability. As I walked in to my kitchen, an old foe paid a visit. Paralyzing fear and anxiety had invaded my morning. An unwelcome house guest. Nothing less pleasant. The to-do list became a source of this negative energy. So much to do, so much pressure placed upon my shoulders, never enough time. This was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
The day consisted of anxiety, lack of meaningful productivity, running late and lowered expectations. The minutiae isn’t of any consequence. The mental downward spiral caused frustration, anger, and regret. I’ve lived with this shadowy figure lurking in the darkest realms of my consciousness for many years now. Over the past few months I have been too exhausted to fight back against my internal enemy. No longer:
You are no longer welcome in my mind. I have tolerated and passively fought back against you. I have worked around you. You have stolen my joy, my energy and my moments with loved ones. No longer. You are banned from my mind. When you reappear, expect a battle with a stronger and more focused self. You will not win.
My battle with anxiety still goes on today. I am learning yoga to have a tool to combat these suffocating feelings. When I have a particularly bad day I reread my “letter” to anxiety to remind myself of my desire to fight it off.